Vancouver males’ three favourite pastimes: drinking, watching hockey, and complaining about how all the women in the city are unapproachable and won’t fuck them.
“What do you have to do to get in a woman’s pants in this city?” Well, I can’t speak for other women (#7 excluded) but I DO love telling gratuitous hookup stories! Therefore, it’s time I shared 15 reasons I have slept with people. Find one that works for you and go get ‘em!
#1: He took me on a shopping spree at Dare to Wear - Everyone’s love has its price. Today mine happened to be 500.00 worth of trashy shit I would probably never “Dare to Wear” again. After I put on my new corset and heels with some fish nets and a PVC mini skirt, I needed to get fucked. He was the closest one to my vagina so I over looked his 300 lbs of fat while I rode the shit out of him. I woke up in the morning missing my dignity as a person. It would be some time before I “Dared to Make Eye Contact” with my neighbours again.
#2: It was Valentine’s Day - My best friend and I were single floozies with nothing to lose, so we hopped a plane to Hawaii to hoping to put the “V.D.” in “Valentine’s Day.” Sadly, she got loser pissed and ended up K.O.’d in a stranger’s cabana. I walked to the local side of the beach, found a group of homegrown Hawaiian men.
While my girlfriend was hungover and complaining that Hawaii was all old people and Honeymooners, I was reminiscing about the best sex I’ve had in my entire life. The bad part was when I got home and no one could satisfy me the same way again. 4 profiles on various fetish sites later, I’m realising that my life will be forever dull.
#3: He was a Yoga Master - (Had to pretend to be a non-smoker for this one.) Ever given a blowjob to a sweaty buff guy while he’s doing a handstand? How about a guy who can lick your asshole and fuck you at the same time! The sad part is when I woke up in the morning and he was nowhere to be found. If it wasn’t for the bladder infection I would wonder if I’d dreamed him.
#4: He knew a lot about “The Universe” - A Science Major. I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about but it sounded smart. Don’t know what a “molecular structure” is, but I can tell you made me cum like crazy listening to it while we banged. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t shut the fuck up for days after. He just kept going on and on. I eventually dumped him which resulted in a restraining order after he sent a letter to my house saying, “I will impregnate you through the phone lines.” Whatever that meant.
#5: He was an ex-Chipendale - Little did I know, most of the Chipendale dancers are gay. I was wondering for a long time why he only wanted to do it doggy style and kept asking to put it in my asshole. Hmmmm.
#6: He collected Lamborghinis - I hate the colour orange but on a Lambo it’s smoking hot! and if one wasn’t enough, try 5 more in his garage! How could you not fuck a guy like that? Unfortunately after getting him naked at the Harrison Hot Springs, he expressed his strong desire for a grade-a Blumpkin. (Google it)
#7: She bought my drinks - After 4 tequilas, 3 beers, 1 glass of wine, one vodka water lime juice, and a shit load of yam fries, this biker babe told me she loved me. Fast-forward to her railing the the shit out of me with her dildo named “Kong”. However, instead of a meaningful relationship, this only resulted in limping to The Templeton for a shameful morning after brunch, and a hickey that just wouldn’t go away.
#8: He was connected - After showing me new movies that haven’t even hit theatres yet and feeding me impossible to find Cakebread Cellar reserve wine all night, all it took was a glance around this TV Producer’s Yaletown penthouse and I was on him like a fat kid on a Skittle. Plus side, he had a cock piercing. Negative side, I was so drunk, I fell off his cock piercing onto the floor and had to go to Emergency. He also never called again.
#9: He was dressed like a hipster - I HAD to find out what the big deal was. Turned out not only was there no ‘big’ anything, but he told me how he “likes boys usually” as he put his toque and skinny jeans back on and gave me a kiss on the cheek.
#10: He took me to Gotham - This restaurant will get any woman in your pants… no matter how hideous those pants are. You’ll get laid, guaranteed. Especially when you don’t even look at the $684 tab as you slide your black metal Visa across the table. I had an orgasm right then and there. Unfortunately, this guy had a thing with my armpits. He liked to lick them! As a matter of fact, thats all he liked to do! I couldn’t suppress my laughter as he drooled all over my stubbly pits. He eventually dumped me because of it.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Gotham Steakhouse is not a sponsor of this column. Actually, it’s probably for the best they never see this at all.
#11: I felt bad for the guy - Okay ladies: no matter how wet and sad that puppy looks when you find him on your doorstep, DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT BRING IT IN THE HOUSE. He will do nothing but leave a trail of dirt on your carpet and patchouilli oil the shit out of your blankets. If the smell of his BO doesn’t give you a head ache, his consistent “wah-wah” about how shitty his life is will. No charity work on Sundays!
#12: Free tattoos - This was especially the dumbest reason ever to sleep with someone. All I got from our torrid three-week affair was a bad yeast infection and a series of tattoos that eventually needed to get covered up. To top it all off, he was super overweight with a very tiny dick. Fuck.
#13: He was an MMA fighter - Oh yes, Mr. Bad Boy Rico… lived in a huge house in Redondo Beach and had a dick like a horse. This man was built like a shit brick house. But he was married, with children. His wife was also built like a shit brick house and probably had a clit hard enough to chop down trees. So after multiple orgasms, I had a flight to catch and fast. Her roided out quads were faster than my rented Chevy Cavailer.
#14: He was a fireman - And no, he didn’t put the fire in my pants out. Actually quite the opposite. all he did was fuck me missionary style for 3 hours while moaning my name (which he couldn’t pronounce properly) and sweating all over me. Then I had to sit and listen to his stories from fire fighting all night long. YAWN!
#15: He said he wasn’t in to girls - But I was up for the challenge. It made me feel special that a gay guy would go the other direction for me. What didn’t make me feel pretty was when my friend Todd stole him away from me because apparently my eyebrows aren’t tweezed properly.
Sometime the feminine heart is a mystery. But there you have it: proof that Vancouver girls DO put out.
So next time you go on an online date, only to find out he’s a cat hoarder, or you find yourself in a gang bang with the Slap-Chop guy after too much Tequila, don’t feel bad! Think of me and know that there’s always someone who understands you… or at least has had it worse.